They will even have the immediate family convinced that the victim has behavioural issues, and problems with anger management. The psychopath got in first, played the victim, and told everyone that his or her partner is the nutty one. This is where the psychopath will hide things, and tell the victim that they lost them. Or, they must have put them somewhere else. Or, instead of admitting that they are an hour late, the victim will be told that they got the time wrong, not the psychopath. This is one dangerous human being!
Dating and relationships after leaving a psychopath
Psychopaths control all of the information in family units. They are the puppet masters. They turn siblings against siblings, and children against the other parent. They are the creators of chaos where there once was none. They are often your petty hustler, guru , fault finder, pathological liar, ex — husband or wife who sits quite comfortably on the spectrum of psychopathy. Survivors of psychopathy often feel anxious, disgusting and shaky. They can endure extreme panic attacks, paranoia and depression. Keep in mind that once away from the psychopath, many victims of psychopathy do go on to live fulfilling lives.
Victims do move onto happier, healthier, more stable partnerships. Happiness does come again! However, some victims have been so traumatised that they may never enter a relationship again. For these men or women, the mere thought of a relationship can cause heart palpitations.
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Thoughts of intimacy, giving their heart to another, and trusting another person with their mental health, are thoughts these people would rather not have. These will often seem in sharp contrast to the abusive moments and further add to the difficulty in understanding what happened to you. The nice times convince you that the person did care for and love you and it makes it hard to cope with the fact that this person was treating you badly at the same time.
You may have difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep with all this contradictory information swirling around in your head, unable to sort it all out. There may be nightmares. Being constantly tired makes it difficult to function. There may be anxiety, depression, irritability, problems with memory or concentration, panic attacks, floods of emotions, a sense of isolation and so on. In fact, many people are diagnosed with PTSD after a relationship with a sociopath.
If you know that you were dealing with a sociopath, then you have a reason and a cause for all these things. Not knowing this makes life after dating a psychopath considerably more difficult. Even if the person goes to a therapist they may not attribute blame where it is due and the therapist ends up treating the victim as the problem. A person in a relationship with a psychopath is changed by the psychopath.
Their ideas and beliefs and behaviors are influenced very heavily by the psychopath. The psychopath for all intents and purposes imposes a new personality the pseudopersonality on the victim. This pseudopersonality is programmed to be very dependent on the psychopath. This is not the same as codependency - many people who do not realize they are dealing with psychopaths come to believe that they are codependent personalities. This is simply not true, because when they undo the damage done by the psychopath, the dependency disappears, too. It is not actually part of their own personality.
This manufactured dependency can be very strong and the person often needs the psychopath or narcissist to know what to do and how to think. They may even need the psychopath to know who they are. The victims may not realize how dependent they actually are on the psychopath. This dependency kicks in big time when the psychopath leaves, when the psychopath breaks up the relationship. In fact, many psychopaths do this on purpose, or even threaten to leave, knowing that the victim cannot survive without them, so that the victim comes running back to them.
Trusting to be with a new partner after being deceived by a sociopath!
And this is typically the first reaction the victim has when they think the psychopath is leaving. They become almost desperate not to lose the relationship. They try and make up to the psychopath, promising to do whatever it takes and so on. This dependency also explains why battered wives and others in abusive relationships end up going back to the abuser. They may be so dependent that they often cannot imagine a future without the abuser and they feel that they are nothing or that they cannot survive without the abuser, or that they will have nothing to live for without them, so they end up going back.
This dependency is one of the effects of the mind control that has been used against the victims and may have nothing to do with the real personality of the victim at all. It's common for those outside the situation to blame the victim saying that they must enjoy the abuse, or they cannot make decisions for themselves or they have dependent personalities and that's whey they return. All these things are mistakes in understanding about abusive relationships. If someone does not realize that they are dealing with a psychopath they may label themselves as the problem and try and deal with their codependency etc.
Even if someone does know their ex partner is a psychopath, dealing with this dependency is a big effort and it takes time and work to undo this aspect of the mind control. As I mentioned, the psychopaths often know that their targets are dependent on them and they use this against them. For example, they may threaten to leave knowing that this reinforces the control because this is often the one thing the victim wants to avoid so the victim changes their behavior to be nicer and more accommodating to the abuser.
If the psychopath leaves and they couple gets back together again for whatever reason, the abuser is often even more abusive. The manipulator will say such things to the victim as, "Well, you wanted to get back with me, so you have to put up with the way I am.
If the psychopath or narcissist disappears suddenly, often called discarding, the victim may be left broken hearted and broke financially. The victim is left wondering what they did wrong, what they could have done differently and how could someone just up and leave suddenly like that. They may never figure out that they were taken advantage of by a psychopath. All the contradictory feelings and emotions are in play in this scenario as well, on top of the fact that there is no closure of any sort with the psychopath.
This type of complete discard is not actually that common because the psychopath may show up again at a later time. In fact, even when a psychopath breaks off the relationship and does not do a disappearing act, they will often hang around, maintaining some sort of relationship with their victim.
This gives the victim hope that things can improve and the psychopath strings the person along, sometimes for years. They continue to abuse and take advantage of the victim often without the formal commitment of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Victims of psychopaths may have been thinking of leaving for years but simply have not been able to do it. I ran down the stairs, skipping 2 of them at a time with my pound frame. I ran home and cried and cried. The sun was my alarm clock in the morning.
My mother was gone one day and he came into my house.
I think maybe my nephew left the door open or something, but he came upstairs where I was. He was trying to get me to come back to him. I called the cops and he left before they got there.
I got so tired of running and calling the police over and over and over again. The last policeman left, not bothering to even take a statement from me because the neighbors who were druggies and on his side were telling the police that I was brandishing a weapon in the air and waving it back and forth, which was an obvious lie. He is most certainly NOT going to kill you and you remember this one thing: But I went ahead and rented the U-Haul anyway and while my brother-in-law was packing our things inside, I was looking around in a panic, knowing he would show up any minute.
I found a new place and used a PO box just in case he tried to track me down. About a month later, I went to the mailbox and there was a letter from him. I opened it and it said how much he loved me and how sorry he was. I took it in the house, and let my mother and sister read it. We all laughed and I ripped it to shreds and threw it away. I would look under cars before getting into my car.
I would always go away from a corner before simply turning the corner of a building, thinking he would be there and would grab me. One day my niece was sleeping over and she came and woke me up in the middle of the night. Maybe my mind is constantly trying to put that behind me and further protect me from the trauma that he caused in my life.
I feel that I draw these type of people to me, somehow. It frightens me and I want to prevent it from happening again. You know, even after the relationship is over, somehow they can still control our life if we let them. By doing like I do and being terrified to get involved with anyone. Foster thank you for sharing your wonderfully well written story.
How did it feel to write it down?? I had tears as I read it. I could feel your emotion and sense of fear that you must have felt. I remember being so frightened and wondering when this nightmare would end. Does he know where you are today? Do you feel safe? I only wish I knew how to stop attracting these type of people in my life. They look for victims and I must give off those vibes. In the nightmare that contained the horror of the reality… then waking up to that reality. I drifted, well careered into, despair.
Even now some music or TV shows from that time, bring shadows of it back. I got there though and now just focus on my son and I. Trying to make the best of things and be able to have a friendly relationship was a mistake and hope was my enemy. But I am mostly back to feeling ok, even good now…. You will be too angel. I remember doing something that might sound silly, but it helped. Every single blog of yours is just perfect,describing all the small details and possible consequences and how people that got stuck into relationship with sociopath should act.
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THOUSAND times and of course i will stay on your blog and keep follow your new posts…even that i wasnt in relationship with sociopath,this stuff is very,very interesting…and should help people who could be someday in relationship with one. Blog by positivagirl will sure help you…but first of all when you recognize you had or that you are in relationship with sociopath….
But ex has left some baggage, as i only attracted to handsome men or who have some charisma, if have a spark with. He is nothing like the ex in looks height or personality. But he used intimacy, would go off intimacy to control me. Safer to just have males as purely platonic pals, like a brother now. I know what you mean. It really is the psychological effects. I did dream about snakes too. You should Google the meaning of the dreams.
It helps I was so anxious after breaking you with my sociopath. I was an emotional wreck. Thanks for the idea of looking up snakes.
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I did that and it fits as far as the person being a snake. Also the terror of being constricted and lied to. I also have been looking through old photos of the REAL people from my life and posting them on my photo site to remind me of all the wonderful and real relationships I do have.
I did dream of snakes at start of rship with my ex spath, last yr. Pos, found this http: It is the whole film I have never watched it. Your very welcome pos. I only heard of it today from reading this. I watched the link you put up and wanted to see more. Ha this is exactly what I believe too. Problem I had with socio was that he blocked my thoughts… Funny I said I really want to see this film soon!!..
I think the most difficult thing is rebuilding trust. Im definitely with you on that and its horrible because I was such a trusting person and took people at face value. I am not really worried, at 62, if or when I can be with someone again. If it happens, it happens. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps.
It is without a doubt the best deal man can make. This is an excellent post and it gives me hope. My socio is also Cuban and with that alone comes excitement and charm and passion. I was also married to a narcissist for 8 years prior and then a physcho-sociopath for 3 years that ended in extreme trauma that I will deal with for the rest of my life.
I am a predators dream! So my fear of a new relationship I had resolved as never again and had settled into being alone for my remaining years at 40 years old. I have hope now! The socio is such a charming, fun, passionate, extreme and just what we have dreamed of. I am so sorry to read all that you have endured. Yes you can heal. Your daughters will be wiser and will learn from you. Remember that happy and whole people attract happy and whole people. You can do it. This time spend time pouring your love into you!!
Happy and whole people attract happy and whole people. Of course and if you remember this. It might help you with focusing on you. When you are happy and whole you attract the same. To overcome something like this and to be in a better place. I remember the days and nights like it was yesterday.
So dark and lonely. I remember he was all I used to think about. I feared so much whether he was back with his ex or not. I feared so much whether he was with someone else. I was in shock. Disbelief that I found out all that I had. I was so hurt and in disbelief. It is slightly laughable at this point..
How lucky we are to be able to rip a page out of a book and start over. The thought of him brings a slight smile to my face. Not because I reminisce on the fond memories. But because I know who he is. It has been a slow, and incredibly painful process as some of the older posters know. And, I am dating someone new.
Not anything serious yet. But that fear about not being sure if I could ever feel again? Because I do feel again. And, he is respectful, has a job, and is a gentlemen. So, it is a bit of a culture shock to now be with a non-soc. But he is real. He is an actual person with actual feelings and an actual job. He is a genuine, authentic person who has room for error and also enough of a conscience to talk about it.
Dating and relationships after leaving a psychopath - Parenting exposed
Again, I know it is the beginning and I am not saying he is my soul mate or anything crazy. But thats just the point. And I really like spending time with him. And I really like who I am when I am with him. And I really like how there are no games, drama or stories. It takes so many nights and effort.